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#45:
Language
Why is having a
temper the same as losing your temper?
I lost my temper once. I was told I shouldn't do that.
So I got it back and I really had a temper for a while. But that was
worse they told me. So I got rid of it altogether and, when people asked
me if I still had a temper, I'd tell them I'm really out of temper now.
Ooh, that's awful, they said, you really should learn to keep your
temper....
#44: Products
Why do clocks with Roman numerals use IIII
for four?
If I remember my public school lessons,
the number 4 is represented by IV in Roman numerals. Did the original
clock designer think all Roman numerals are created by adding a stroke
for each successive number? In that case, why didn't they go ahead with
IIIII for five and on up to IIIIIIIIIIII for 12? Some folks say IIII is
used because the subtraction rule (IV = V minus I) was not a Roman
convention but was added later. In that case, why do clocks use IX (X
minus I) for 9 instead of VIIII? I have reader Randy Richardson to blame
for alerting me to this impenetrable mystery. (Thanks a lot, Randy. Now
when I lie awake at night watching the clock I have one more thing to
worry about.)
#43: Business
Why are communication companies the worst at
communicating?
Think about your own experience. For
what kind of service is it most difficult to get (a) a live human on the
phone to help you with a problem, (b) the right human in the right
department to deal with what you're contacting them about, and (c) a
question answered or problem fixed the first time you call so you don't
have to call back a dozen more times to repeat the process with a
different representative each time? The answer, hands down: phone and
Internet companies.
#42: Business
"We are experiencing higher volumes than
usual."
Why does every phone call to a service
seem to get a recorded message like this these days? I've heard this
message at all times of day or night. I mean, it can't always be
a higher-than-usual volume of calls. The annoyance factor of this
message is almost as great as that of "Your call is important to
us...." After the 43rd repetition of this phrase I start yelling
back into the phone, "If it's all that damned important to you,
then you'd answer the call!" Which is often the only two-way
conversation I end up having before hanging up.
#41: Computing
Why do most chat room dialogues go like this:
PnkLady: I'm
thinking sompthing Dont get me started
24c91x: Night too that.
Andy: Off yr (LOL)
PnkLdy: Not so fast!!! :)
RyanB: Does anyone have a copy of of that thing?
24c91x: Yr a skank Pnjlady! remembver the last - DumYonker was
ROTFLOL
Andy: Who me? You f****** @#$%^&!....
Do these conversations make sense to anyone? Who are these idiots? Are
Internet chat rooms the exclusive preserve of illiterate juvenile
schizophrenics?
#40: Language
What's with people going "the whole nine
yards"?
Wouldn't it be better if they went the
whole 10 yards? An extensive search through slang dictionaries and Web
sites reveals that no one really knows where this phrase came from,
though it originally surfaced in the 1960s. My theory? It started with a
Yank watching his first Canadian Football League game and not quite
getting our rules.
#39: Computing
Why does America Online advertise "540
free hours"
for the first month of Internet service?
Does anyone do the math on this? That's an average of 18 hours a day
for every day of the month seven days a week. Does anyone actually
go online with AOL for every waking minute of their life?
#38: Products
And how come AOL and others find compact
discs are so cheap
to make they can give them away by the
tonne for promotions — but when you buy a music CD you have to pay
even more than you would for the equivalent tape or vinyl record?
(Reader Peter Miller pointed this out to me.)
#37: Language
Why can a grown woman refer to her
"girlfriends"
while a guy cannot refer to his buddies
as "boyfriends" — without implying, uh, a different kind of
relationship? (Just another instance of the treatment of men by a
female-dominated society that sees all males as sex objects!)
#36: Computing
Why Me?
First there was Windows 1, 2 and 3,
which eventually took over the world. So Bill Gates and company had to
come up with a way to make the next version of his consumer operating
system even more special in 1995. How about naming it after the year,
like car models? Hence, "Windows 95". It made sense. And it
made sense to name the next one three years later "Windows
98". And it made further sense two years after that to call the
next model "Windows 2000".... Oops, but Windows 2000 wasn't
the Year 2000 successor to Windows 95 and 98. It was actually the next
in line to Windows NT 1, 2, 3 and 4, an operating system for networks.
And the next end-user version was named "Windows Millennium Edition
(Me)" to completely confuse consumers. What's next? Remember
Saturday Night Live comic Al Franken trying to convince people that
after the "Me Decade" of the 1970s, the 1980s should be called
the "Al Franken Decade"? Well, he didn't have the pull to
actually make that happen. But my prediction is that Windows Me will be
followed by "Windows Bill". (Of course, since I first wrote
this in 2000, Microsoft has changed the rules again by delivering
"Windows XP" which is the successor to Windows Me but is
actually based on Windows 2000.... Never mind.)
#35: Language
Why are pants (or trousers, shorts or
undershorts) plural?
Why do you always buy a "pair"
of pants? Because you have two legs, you say? But you have two arms too
but when was the last time you donned a pair of shirts? Besides, what
would you say a one-legged man wears — a pant?
#34: Computing
Why do you end a Windows session by clicking
on Start?
Okay, I wasn't first to discover this
mystery, but it still makes me crazy.
#33: TV
Why do celebrities' lives all seem to follow
the same pattern?
Ever watch Biography on A&E?
Here's how every male actor, singer or comedian lives out his life:
- Born and raised in obscurity.
- Gets his first big break by the first commercial.
- On his way up, marries a pretty young actress/singer/comedienne.
- Wins success and fame, becomes a household word, for 15 minutes.
- Then we hear, "With a brilliant career and millions of adoring
fans, he was on top of the world. Little did he know it was all about to
come crashing down...." Which means it's time for the second
commercial break.
- After the ads, it's revealed the driven celeb has spent too much time
working, and the strain breaks up his marriage and estranges him from
his children.
- Becomes dependent on alcohol or drugs. Starts on a downward spiral.
- But just before the 45-minute break we're lured to hang on for the
last segment when the star "with the help of a new love in his
life, is about to overcome his problems and achieve his greatest success
yet".
- In the last segment, mature star basks in the warmth of his new family
(that is, with latest wife who's 30 years younger) and in a resuscitated
career in which he finds new fans who are the children of his original
fans.
Scott Fitzgerald said there are no second acts in American lives, but it
appears there are in fact four acts in American celebrity lives, equally
spaced between commercials.
#32: Computing
Why is every personal computer on TV or in a
movie an iMac?
Yet in the real world, about 97 percent
of computers are PCs. A friend has a theory about this. It has to do
with sublimated sexuality. It's the same reason Mustangs used to be so
common on television shows — it was the car with the high butt. And
you've got to admit the iMac has a more shapely rear end than most
Windows boxes.
#31: Technology
How come we can send sound and video around
the world
bouncing off satellites to transmission
towers and through miles of cabling, to arrive in our living rooms with
crystal clarity — but fast-food places still can't send a
comprehensible message 20 feet to a speaker in its drive-through? My
conversation in the Tim Horton's lane goes like this: "Kzinng may I
ghrty phutssst?" "Uh, if you're asking to take my order, I'll
have a chicken salad sandwich and coffee." "Klawphy tukkrt
qwilkit?" "No, not the combo, just with coffee." "Fleegyphyrwarrrr?"
"Cream, no sugar." "That'll be zzzzadlerj drymrimmrofgtoo.
Please have your payment ready."
#30: Politics
Why is business held up as the model for
everything now?
You hear, "If the government (or
some other non-profit organization) ran a business like that, they'd go
bankrupt." So? Isn't that why we have government and other
organizations — because what they do is not a business? Why
don't we ever hear the world should be run like a baseball team? Or a
school? Or the navy? Or a theatrical troupe? Well, because that would be
silly. But why is everything supposed to be run like a business then?
That's silly too, as if short-term profit has become the only worthwhile
human motive. When did this happen? I suspect it was during the 1980s
when I was sleeping.
#29: The paranormal
If TV evangelist Benny Hinn is such a great
faith healer
— giving eyesight to the blind,
dissolving tumours and curing heart disease right there on stage — why
can't he grow hair on top of his head? The man has the most outlandish
comb-over I've ever seen. A kilogram of hair emanating from one little
spot above his right ear and swathed around his head like a halo. Is
male pattern baldness the one malady God has problems with? Couldn't He
at least conjure up a Rogaine treatment for the man?
#28: Computing
Why are PC's power and reset buttons so close
to each other?
Does everyone do what I do — think
I've turned off the computer and walk away, only to find the next day
that it's been on all night because I'd hit the restart button instead?
#27: Business
What's so secret about your mother's maiden
name?
Want to find out someone's banking info,
change someone's passwords, log onto someone's secure Web sites? Just
find out the surname of that person's mother before she was married.
When you call a bank, credit card company or some other service and tell
them you can't remember your password, they'll put you through a
security check that, three times out of four, consists entirely of
asking for your mother's maiden name — and then they'll tell you the
password or let you do anything else you want. I have this image of the
President of the United States calling the armed forces to launch an
attack and the Pentagon saying, "For security purposes, Mr.
President, we are required to ask you: What is your mother's maiden
name?"
#26: Computing
How come the cheaper computers get, the more
I spend on them?
Back in the 1980s I used one computer
system for six years. It cost $2,500. Now I can pick up decent computers
for half that price. And I have — three times in the past six years. I
have to keep buying new ones every year or two to keep up. Do the math.
I was spending less when computers were more expensive!
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